Written by: Morgan Lennon
"New Year. New You"
"Making Your New Year's Resolutions Stick"
I don't know about you, but it seems like every article I see in January is trying to motivate me to start a new exercise routine or give me strategies on how to keep up all of my New Year’s resolutions. Here's the thing, if you're anything like me, you've come out of the holiday season like a castaway who's just been rescued by a fishing boat. You haven’t had a haircut in months, you can’t remember the last time you had a decent meal, and you're pretty sure you’re operating at a level past dehydrated. The last thing you want is to hang with some sadistic person on a juice cleanse who has “never had so much energy in their life”. All you want is a nap, and some french fries while you watch 12 straight hours of Netflix.
Fear not my exhausted comrades, I've compiled a list of the five best excuses so that you can live your best anti-social life this January:
"The kids are in so much trouble."
“We'd love to go to your winter solstice, grown-up and me meditation class, but little Johnny is on restriction.” The key to this excuse is finding something egregious enough to warrant a full month of no activities. Think big - “Johnny tried to sell his sister on the dark web” or “Suzie started a small military coup in Lichtenstein”.
Struggling to come up with an excuse big enough? Don’t be afraid to reference your favorite literature - “Johnny flew our flying car into an ancient sentient tree” or “Suzie found an alternate universe in the back of our closet, and started a war there. So she's grounded for the next few weeks.” Trust me, it'll work.
Cousins in New Jersey
We’ve all got a cousin in Jersey or Long Island. Cash in some of that good karma you earned for schlepping out to all those family events - “We’re so sorry our cousin's cat is getting married in New Jersey that same weekend. What a bummer!” Insert any plausible-sounding activity, such as a birthday party, family reunion, communion, etc. Everyone will sympathize with the hassle of leaving the city and forget you’re an only child from Wisconsin.
Everyone is scared of catching the flu. So take it up a notch to a full-on plague. This excuse takes a bit more effort, but it will really pay off in the end. Invest in some stock images of the CDC and quarantines - maybe even a patient zero monkey. Then, pop on your favorite Instagram filter and ta-da! Nobody is gonna want you around till at least March. To really sell it, leave the house without concealer under your eyes. Everyone will truly think you’re dying.
“Join” a competitive team
“Sorry! Can’t make it. I have practice.” And don’t just limit yourself to sports. A competitive watercolor team? Why not? Make sure to upload a few “practice” pictures to your social media to show how hard you're working to prove you're too busy. An important warning here - do not actually join a competitive team. It is far too much effort.
Take up a strange and off-putting hobby
Do you enjoy worm grunting? Great, neither does anyone else. Use those deep dive internet skills and do your research. Then, talk about it incessantly. And here is the crucial part, you have to relate every conversation back to said hobby. Really dominate every interaction with a full monologue of inane and uninteresting details. Keep in mind, the efficacy of this strategy is fully dependent on how strange your friends are. Because Nick might truly be interested in your new-found alpaca farming hobby.
Happy anti-social January, y'all!